Da Vinci Helicopters

I failed English 101 in college, twice, prior to dropping out of college, because I was bored to tears by the prompts. Later, I would get paid handsomely to write elaborate proposals to corporations. What’s wrong with this picture? Now I whip out 1500 words for an Airbnb review.

I find it effortless to write about rich, desirable, emotional experiences, but harder to squeeze the towel dry from a bore. Many of my most complimented by direct messages writings have come from intense long term thoughts that have spilled out over a few minutes. I just had no interest in the millionth interpretation of The Scarlett Letter. There are only so many ways to slice that thing. Is this really going to move the needle on humanity?

There was no analyst report that told someone to build the Appstore, pre-the Appstore. Your life is a product of your wildest fantasies, averaged down by the indeterminate, pessimist dabblers and averaged up by deterministic optimists. You play your own game or you play the game everyone else is playing.

Here are some of my craziest inventions, ranging from satirical to eye-opening.

Guber
A service that throws ice water on your face, scoops you out of bed and carries you to the Uber, on-demand.

Calzone Fitness
1 building, split down the middle.

The bikes give you calzone points if you use them. The calzones go straight to your thighs. You can use the calzone points to get half off of more calzone points, which you can use as tokens to gamble on the bike.

I’m already talking to tons of people that love calzones and want to exercise more.

Laundry
After your clothes are done, they should fall into the dryer. The detergent should work like a Braun cleaning cartridge, something you only change every few weeks, not apply every single time. The reason they are all separate is because of capitalism. The reason they will unify, also capitalism. There is probably a high-end solution that is not evenly distributed. If you’ve ever had sticky hands, this problem exists. Tide pods are a bandaid for this. Most people won’t build this end to end system, because as you make more money, you generally do fewer chores first hand. The person that feels this pain has to do a lot of laundries, first hand.

Elevators
When I walk into an elevator, I shouldn’t have to press a button, or think at all. My phone has my calendar on it with a location on the event. It should communicate that to the elevator and it should just go to that floor. Most people are going to the same floor every single day. If I leave for an external meeting, an Uber should just arrive at precisely the right moment, without ever calling it. I shouldn’t have to ask an autonomous car to stop blasting the Jamaican music. What’s a guy to do to avoid drowning in cognitive load? I guess I could build a sovereign, autonomy-oriented planet. Can we go back to the elevator for a second? My future wife could be listening to the same song as I was, but I was too busy finger jousting for the button with the crowd to notice. Then I died without meeting her. This is 100% on you guys, I’m not having it.

Chambers
Escapist, private study chambers. In this room, you immerse yourself any environment you desire, from a list of scapes curated by CGI specialists from head to toe. I’d prefer to hear my heartbeat and nothing else. The system should learn from what distracts me. Every session should leave with optimization suggestions for the next one. Entrance mandates turning your phone into a time released vault. A whitelist of emergency contacts are the only people allowed to get in front of you. It would have to be expensive, to begin with, but made more accessible over time.

Female Potatoes
Mr. G, my Spanish teacher in middle school used to always commend my pronunciation. One time he asked the class what a “papa” was and I said “a female potato” just to spice things up. Everyone lost it, including Mr. G.

I’m still looking for it.

 
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